Homecoming

I cannot change the thoughts within my head. What am I doing back here? I don't know. I've just spent an hour trying to compose a positive post over on my new blog, and failed. Normal words escape me.

Farewell...?

Take care of yourselves. You are lovely. You are beautiful. You are unique.

You have the right to be whomever you want to be, to be happy.

Thank you so much for following me this far. If we now must part, then take care and have a nice life. :)

If you're interested in reading of my further exploits, my new blog is at http://cuhrayzeeone.blogspot.com/. I'm writing under my real name, about all sorts of things. I am going to try really hard to keep it real and uncensored.

I guess this is it for me?

Not the end of "ana", but definitely the end of an era.

No more self hatred. <3

and then there were eight.

Gruesome post ahead. Hold on to your lunch, ladies.

See, the husband was in the kitchen last night... and our kittens like to scamper in between moving feet. One didn't scamper fast enough. His poor little head was crushed beneath my poor husband's boot. And if that wasn't bad enough, death came slowly - the cat was writhing on the floor for about 30 seconds, blood spurting everywhere.

Initially, I panicked and ran from the room, but after I realized my husband was still standing there, I took on my "strong survivor" role and went to fix things. I shielded his eyes and forced him to go into the bedroom. I picked up the dead cat and wrapped him in a towel, then spent 15 minutes scrubbing blood from the carpets. What a fucking horror show.

Over the course of my life I've buried many animals. I've scooped many corpses from the middle of the road. I've tended to fatal injuries. I've had to play doctor/mortician so many times.... so last night, I didn't cry. Not one single tear. And I feel so numb. I can't even begin to imagine how my husband feels.

On a different note: thanks for all the kind words on my last post. It's not so much that I can't write about what I want, it's just that I feel it would be bad for my credibility (as a writer) if I put random shit on here. It's like saying you'll write a book about oak trees, signing something with a publisher, and then producing a novel about rose bushes. It's just not logical.

I'm tired of this blog anyway, of obsessing over numbers. I have lost a total 35 pounds (16 kg) since starting this blog in July. However, my muscle mass has diminished to the point where I struggle with opening heavy doors. My mind isn't as sharp as it could be, and I don't want to see my husband worry about me anymore (even though he pretends that he doesn't). I still want to be thin more than anything. Now that I'm so close, maybe I can lay off the intensity a teeny bit... focus on living a healthier lifestyle. More food, more exercise. Less fat. Less hate. Somewhere in between.

I need to write. One day, it's all I want to do. So if you enjoy reading my words for some reason, have no fear! I shall write again. In a new blog, possibly under my real name and face. A blog better suited to accommodate all kinds of ideas. A blog that doesn't disappoint you after reading the first three entries. Well... who am I kidding? You'd probably still be disappointed... but at least I didn't mislead you. ;)

Okay, that's it for now. I'll have my new blog up soon, and this one will be going bye-bye. A huge thank you going out to all the people who stuck around thus far, and wet slobbery kisses for all my commenters. <3

147

Somebody actually called me "skinny" at work the other day, lololol. I am envious. Remember the days of blissful ignorance? When fat and thin people all blended together and none of it really made a difference? If I am a skinny, Miss Lady, then you are a hippo. A large, bloated, pregnant hippopotamus. Please don't get my hopes up like that again.

I haven't updated much because honestly, I feel that this blog is censoring me. It seems like I technically shouldn't write about anything other than food-related stuff... but really, I have so many ideas going 'round in my head, and many of them have nothing to do with this. Maybe I need a fresh start - a blog that I could incorporate all facets of my life into. I'll be thinking about it.

This might seem weird, but I hope my butt is as big as hers when I reach my GW. I don't want the body of a child; I want to be fucking hot.

w00t!

My third goal of 150 pounds is now neatly crossed off the list. I was so excited this morning, I must have weighed myself like 6 or 7 times just to see the same number again and again: 150.8. I'm not there yet, but I'm much closer than I was... :D

I've drank sooo much orange juice in the last 2 days. My period came, plus I've been feeling a little sick, so I'm trying to look after myself the best that I can. Intake's been hovering between 200 and 400 calories.

I really don't know what to write about. Sorry, guess I'm still in shock.


How are you?

Progress Makes Me Happy

So, I cheated and weighed myself - the curiosity was torture. 154.0. After the way I've been eating, I thought that number would have been at least two pounds higher. During the day it even went down to 153.2, my all time lowest weight. I really can't hold it to be true until I see it first thing in the morning... but still, it brightened my day a bit.

I also found some old blue jeans... size 12, which were the smallest I could ever fit into during high school. They were baggy when I tried them on. Very baggy indeed, so I'm probably a size 10 now. A new record.

Yay. :)

Detoxify

I've done horribly with my rules so far. Apparently I'm not in the right frame of mind right now for rigid structure... so I'm gonna go for a more abstract approach: "listening" to my body. It's hurting right now, and I need to feel better so I can get my ass back on track.

What my body's saying to me:

• Drink more water and juice
• Cleanse toxins from junk food
• Exercise more and tone flab
• Stop sleeping all day
• My period's coming soon

I'm going to stop weighing myself for a while, maybe until my period comes and goes. It's just so depressing to see that number only go up, and up, and up... but I know I can do this. I'll give my body everything it asks for, and when it needs food I'll give it either whole grains or fresh fruit/veggies. I'm going to drink epic amounts of water, and drink senna tea every night (regardless of my intake).

Last night I binged until my stomach was in agony. Somehow I felt that if I made myself sick enough, I would never want to eat again. It's almost as if I was punishing myself for having an appetite. I didn't really want any of that food. And I didn't throw any of it up. Yeah... now you see why I'm avoiding the scale.

Normally my mind would be in turmoil right now, considering how much I weigh, how long I've been at this weight, and how much I ate last night. I would probably hate myself so much right now. I guess I'm just saving my energy for productive efforts, which is good. I like being an optimist - it yields more results.

The other day, I donated my snack money ($5) to the charity we've been promoting at work. It felt so good to know I had just given 20 kids a meal instead of buying some fatty chips or something. Oh, and for those um "monetarily challenged" of you... http://freerice.com is a great way to feed those starving kiddos at no cost to you, and it's an amazing time-killer.

Stay beautiful, ladies.. xox

Oh No - Plateau!

Okay, so I'm at the same weight I was 12 days ago. I haven't decided if this is a real plateau, or if I'm just backed up from all the crappy food. I had 2 binge days (approx. 1000 cal.) and the other days were between 200-700 cals. Thankfully the bingey urges are long gone and I can focus on what's really going on with my body. I hope I can still reach 145 by Halloween.

Rules for Fatty:

1. Absolutely NO eating for 3 hours before bed. I know this should be a longer amount of time, but I work late at night and sometimes I need my energy for bedroom activities. ;)
2. Drink more water! Includes green tea and sugar-free flavorings. Limit diet soda to 16oz. per day, maximum.
3. Total calories for one meal not to exceed 200 cal, 600 for one whole day.  (200 extra cal. allowance given if more than 600 cals burned in workout)
4. Exercise everyday: either 200 crunches and 30 lunges, or a 2 mile walk/jog. Both of these activities if I don't have to work that day.
5. If intake is more than 300 cals, drink a strong glass of senna tea before bed.
6. Eat healthy. I don't want to impose too many rules here, because that's a short road to a quick binge for me. I'll eat what I want, but as health-consciously as possible and always within my cal limits.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much. I am reading though, and one day I'll think of something useful to say

Greed and Gluttony [reverse thinspo post]

I'm a nice person. I really am.

But I find this revolting:

I would break every mirror in my house if I were that big.

Say "Cheese!"

Need a bigger fork, sweetheart?

I don't have a grudge against fatties. I know lots of

obese people that have really good hearts.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

I just don't understand why people allow this to happen.

You have all the power you need to look good in those shorts.

Just stop eating.

Your weight doesn't have to hold you back in life.

It's all about control.

It's about identifying what you need for survival

and training your body to adjust.

There's more to life than your BMI and body fat percentage;

however, why be unhappy over something YOU can change?

Not only will people look at you with respect

 - you will respect yourself.

There's so much bad and ugly shit in the world...

let's subtract from that, shall we?

No more greed. No more gluttony.

Take the money you don't spend on binge food

and donate it to starving African children.

They need it more than you do, fatty.

Hidden Away

I don't know what's going on with me right now. The husband and I have made our peace, and are trying to quietly go on about our lives. Who knows how long this will last, but I really do love him... so I'm just going to focus on that for now. Maybe everything else will magically work itself out.

Sometimes I worry about brain damage. I hit my head so hard the other day, there's a huge hole in the wall... it looks like an elephant tried to jump through. There are multiple cracks from the actual impact of my head, and then there are big sections that are about to fall away from the final blow of my entire whale body slamming against it. I should have just gone running.

How many days until I can think clearly again? Until the words stop swimming around on the page?

I haven't updated my food diary in three days. I've been eating 1000 calories everyday. No exercise (except work), no laxatives... I'm quite literally terrified of the scale right now. I know I've gained weight because I feel it hanging from my body... slowing me down, making me jiggle. Oh God, I really do hate myself like this. But it's all my fault. Nobody made me eat.

Maybe I just needed a good-ole-fashioned binge to remind me where I have been and where I am going. I'm still around my lowest weight. My ribs are still peeking through every now and then. My mind is hinting that I should stop doing this to myself.... but it's too late to stop now. I'm halfway there.

This is the weight I "recovered" at last time. Some stupid little part of my brain is saying "stop, you're good enough" but I just don't believe it. My stomach should not protrude. It should not jiggle. My thighs should not touch EVER. My arms are so disgusting - like giant turkey legs attached to a cow's body. That little bit of fat is still hanging under my jaw, threatening to become a chin all its own. My fingers are still round and plump like fucking sausages.

Last night, while the husband was humping me... all I could think was OINK OINK OINK. Is this how you pork a fat woman? Thrust with all your might, hoping that your dick might survive the crushing jelly rolls and find some pussy? When he picked my leg up over his shoulder, all I could feel is the impact it had on my stomach. I felt sick when his hand brushed over my giant belly. He grabbed my ass and it felt like he was checking a prized pig before the county fair. I am so disgusting and I do not want to hate myself for being gluttonous anymore.

Renewed motivation. I never really forget my goals, I just become distracted with all the other shit in my head. I need to hate myself so I stay on track. I don't need encouragement, I need someone to tell me I'm not good enough... that I'll be there one day. Because right now I am such a fucking failure at being attractive. Worthwhile. Productive. Loveable. I need to be better for myself before anyone else can really appreciate me.

When I woke up this morning I was so disoriented. Get up, go to the bathroom... don't get on the scale. Brush my hair, wash my face... wait, what's this feeling? What's this fucking feeling in my gut?! Oh yeah, I'm still full from last night. That explains the loose skin looking a bit tighter now. And the pants not falling off my hips so quickly.

I miss the feeling of success and empowerment: getting out of bed and feeling dizzy. Walking around the house and literally feeling the fat dissolve from my body.

I need this.

In Ten Days' Time

I don't really feel up to an update; however, it's the 29th and I like to post my comparisons every 10 days (unless it's that time of the month). I don't know why it has to be on the 9's of the month.

Anyway, this is what I lost:

• 4 pounds
• .5 inches at chest
• .5 inches at bicep
• 1 inch at waist
• 1.5 inches at navel
• 1 inch at hips
• .5 inches at thigh
• 1.5% body fat

That's really crazy, considering I haven't exercised at all. I'm probably murdering my metabolism. :(

This week I'll try to focus on keeping my BMR up by building (a little) more muscle, eating more lean protein, and drinking more water.

I want to weigh 145 by Halloween and 130 by Christmas. If I can make this happen, I'll be starting 2011 with only ten or fifteen pounds to lose.

Wow. I started 2010 at 190 pounds.

Fuck fat.

Numb

I feel weird. I'm kind of afraid to post, because I have no idea what I'd write. There are so many emotions raging in my head that only the cold bliss of numbness keeps me sane. Feeling nothing makes me feel alive. I can't subdue myself to the overwhelming despair which threatens to pull me under.

I've been very selective with my music today. It started with "The Pusuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi, followed by Jason Mraz's "You and I Both", and now I'm stuck on "Ticket to Ride" by The Beatles. I don't know why I listen to songs on repeat when I'm in this particular mood.

The one that's playing now has a very special meaning. Almost two years ago, my husband got really drunk and did some things to me which have mostly remained buried in my subconscious. After he was finished breaking me, he told me I should really listen to this song. I did - all night long, while he was sleeping it off at his parents'. For the longest time afterwards, I would hear it at some random place and burst into tears or go cut myself so I wouldn't make a scene. I don't feel that way anymore.

"I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today..."

Maybe I'm starting to believe that he should be the one mourning our love while weeping with the music. I learned to play this song on the guitar, and if I ever leave him I'm going to play a version of it first. In a sadistic way... I kind of want him to feel this same pain. The pain of wanting to be loved so desperately, and of being trampled to the ground.

"She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care..."

He's told me so many horrendous things. I actually love myself more now than I did before I ever met him, because I'm always picking up the pieces of my own heart off the ground. Somehow I thought that marriage would be all kinds of different. Haha, how many people told me not to get hitched at 18...

I still don't know if I should have listened to the warnings.

Last night, I made love to my husband. After we climaxed at the same time I whispered a word of thanks in his ear. He responded, "Thank you, Sarah." I asked what he had just said, and he froze. "I love you. I said that I love you." That sounds nothing like what I heard. Then he got angry, accused me of being crazy, insecure, and stupid. He couldn't tell me if he ever had feelings for his friend Sarah, or what he actually thought he said. Nothing but manipulative excuses.

I don't know if this really hurts me, or if I'm just pretending to care.

The cold weather's come down to Texas. It's outside, and it's in my heart. I'm going to be making some decisions this winter. They might break me once more.

I'll eventually get over it, move on...

But for now, my heart is frozen. I feel no pain. No hate. No sorrow. Not even as I hear these words fading from the speakers....

"My baby don't care."

Old Demons Never Die

I've reached a decision; recovery will wait. It's impossible to think about eating more while I still weigh over 120 pounds. I'm trying to just forget about the whole idea for now. Thank y'all for the supportiveness... I'm so lucky to be in touch with such fucking awesome people.

I bought a food diary. It's tiny and cute - like a mini composition book. I'm not going to bother with hiding it. In fact, I'm not really hiding anything about the way I eat. Not at home at least. If my husband doesn't give a shit, why should I stress out about concealing it? His apathy is my perfect advantage.

Still no weight loss. I'm not too worried about it... things are rather uh, backed up at the moment. Ew. I saw 154 on the scale the last time things were regular, so I'm really hoping that by tomorrow I'll be back on track. Official weigh-in three days away... oh, dear. It would be so fucking nice if I didn't have a mini meltdown every time things went wrong.

more human than human

This is hard. I ate 600 calories yesterday and felt so disgusting. I binged. It was a binge. Please tell me that's not a binge.

The husband and I are still together for the moment... but who really fucking knows. He keeps playing break-up songs on the guitar. He spends a lot of time on the computer, smiling. It's really tempting to set up some spyware and see what he's so happy about, but a large part of me is too afraid. Why am I so pathetic. I am pathetic.

I am so unstable. The questions life is posing to me: Can you be healthy without him? Can you do it for yourself? I hit my head against the wall earlier. Three times, like always. All I could see was a blissfully white blankness. It doesn't even hurt anymore, I just can't think clearly.

Today I will starve because I need to. The scale hasn't budged from 156.2 in three days, and I'm getting fucking desperate. I don't know how to eat healthily. It's either this, or binge like a fatass. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fucking fat.

Yesterday, I asked if he could help me. If he could show me how to be healthy. He said that he wants no part in this... and I'm like, what the hell. He does not want to acknowledge my eating problems at all. I guess that applies to all of my problems; he saw the cuts/scratches on my arm and said, "oh, carpet burn?" Yes husband, I was sliding around the carpet on my left forearm. You are so fucking clever.

I don't know how to do this alone. I don't know how to lose weight and eat at the same time. Pushing this issue probably won't lead to recovery... I'll just meet up with a new kind of disorder (bulimia, anyone?) and fall headfirst into the comfort I find so often in disordered living. Or maybe I'll just become a fat, lazy alcoholic like my husband. Hmm.

How am I supposed to find the strength to get better when I don't want to?

I cried on the scale this morning. I can not do this to myself. I can not poison my body with all of these carbs and calories... then expect a couple miles of light jogging to make me slim. Starving makes me happy. It gives me a confidence that nothing else has ever granted. Right now, I feel just as fat as I did three months ago.

Maybe I'll compromise by aiming for a weight in the healthy range, but getting there however I want to. Because I'm a selfish human being that only thinks of herself. If I can't stop losing weight by that time, then I'll get help.

I can't help myself.

Sanitarium

Last night I took five muscle relaxers. A friend came over, left them on my desk, and gave me a knowing look. I am a recovering pill junkie. So, of course, I took them. Instantly. Then I spent the next couple hours enjoying my high and wishing I had more. I don't remember passing out, just waking up at the foot of the bed in an awkward position. The husband said I was delirious.

My head and heart are both very confused. I want to be strong, a perfect example of what will power can do. Yet... I simultaneously want to destroy myself. I want to be perfect and irregular. Happy and sad. Alive and dead. I want to push my mind to the limits, and then I want to push my body. I want to wear short sleeves tonight at work, yet I want to go up and down my arms with all the favorites. I want to try every drug out there, while warning others of the many dangers. I want to be normal and just eat healthy, but usually I don't want to see a single morsel of fat anywhere near me.

I desperately want to destroy myself as a means of validation. If I can truly push myself to the edge and survive, then maybe I am worthy of being alive. But on the other hand, I want to better myself in every way possible. Self improvement is masturbation, right?

Argh. This is too confusing. I don't want to think anymore, I just want to exist.

"Sanitarium" - Metallica 

Welcome to where time stands still

No one leaves and no one will

Moon is full, never seems to change

Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred

Sleep my friend and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says rage

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what's out there
And cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I'm insane

They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
He's getting better, can't you tell?

No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
But they think this saves us from our hell

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Fear of living on
Natives getting restless now
Mutiny in the air
Got some death to do
Mirror stares back hard
Kill, it's such a friendly word
Seems the only way

For reaching out again

Keep On Rolling

There's only three rolls of toilet paper left in the restroom, the truck has a tiny bit of gas, and the pantry is empty. So, why am I not out shopping? Well... maybe I neglected all of these things in favor of something really super awesome: an acoustic guitar. The really important bills are paid anyway, and I can always walk to work and borrow toilet paper... as for the pantry, I really don't care. I have a guitar.

After an hour and a half of looking for something I could actually afford, I finally found one for $70. It was missing a string, so I stopped by a music shop and they rigged me up a new string for only $1! I also got some awesome deals on repairs that my guitar needs... oh, and a free guitar case with all kinds of padding and pockets. I'd call it a total win. :)

I think I need to start keeping an actual food diary. I've been good lately, staying under 300 cals and keeping active, but I miss having thorough data to analyze. I enjoy looking for similarities between my diet and weight loss... like, "oh, I ate a 400 cal cheeseburger that day, no wonder I didn't lose anything for two days." I originally thought I would be able to keep track of that here, but lately I haven't been able to update regularly. Finding a diary would be no problem; I just need to think of where to hide it. Hmmm.

My abdominal muscles are beginning to peek through the fat. Even at my lowest weight, I never saw that particular definition. Also, my butt has no more nasty fat dimples, and my back is relatively flat and smooth. I am so pumped to reach my next goal weight - almost halfway there! :D

The husband's been on a little diet of his own lately; I'm glad that I can be an inspiration for so many people. But please remember, my main goal is to be thin and healthy... I don't want to motivate anybody into a coma or heart attack. I understand the feeling of wanting to be hospitalized, to be validated, but I really don't want to see any of you lovely ladies end up there.

Thanks for all the support and encouraging comments. I appreciate having people congratulate me on my self-improvement, without wagging their fingers at me for how I did it. You all rock.

Frayed Ends of Sanity

This morning, I volunteered to let the husband take the truck to work; I wanted to walk. Too bad I didn't remember that there's a freaking hurricane on the coast right now, which means lots of spin-off rainy action where I live. It's pouring down outside. I don't know what to do... go to work soaked? Find a ride? Don a plastic garbage bag and run like hell? We'll see. I'm just going to pray and hope for a fifteen minute reprieve around 4:30 this afternoon.

I'm going to forgive what happened last night. My husband says stupid things when he's drunk, and while I don't know if that's okay or not... I won't let it bother me to the point of psychosis and self-injury. I'm afraid to elaborate much here, but let's nod our heads in agreement when I say that I am crazy. I see and hear things when I'm in a distressed state of mind. Also, once my mind has de-rationalized itself, it's very easy to start listing all the reasons I should kill myself.

There's a lot of logic involved in my decision to grant forgiveness... rather important hunks of information regarding my marriage, my past, and my future. I just don't feel like writing about this shit anymore. I have news to share.

In the last ten days, I have lost:

• 3.5 pounds
• 2.34% body fat
• 1 inch on my waist and hips
• .5 inches on my neck, chest, navel, and thighs

It isn't as much progress as I had hoped for, but in my defense: I'm on my fucking period. Enough said? :|

Oh, and only two more pounds before I reach my lowest weight. I really can't believe how fat I've been all my adolescent life.

the absence of words.

[Caution, depressing post ahead.]

I don't know what to say. There are no words in my heart, ready to to spilled. No secret confessions. All I feel is an even, flat numbness.

Weight's down to 157.8, BMI 23.9. I ran a mile last night. Other than that, I've been a horribly lazy slob and haven't been shedding fat as I should. My arms are covered in scratches that will probably take two weeks to disappear, so it's long sleeves for me. Yay.

I wanted to go deeper. He said, "I'm tired of fucking looking at you," and I wanted to split a vein. But I didn't, I went running instead. A temporary setback. Once I've envisioned the flesh parting there's really no going back. I will do better. I wonder how much weight one could lose from blood loss.

Someday, I'll be beautiful and thin, but no one will ever see it because I'll be covering my scars. I don't know if I even really care.

Fugue

Sorry I haven't posted anything sooner, but period cramps plus laxative abuse equals one distressed Jasmine. Did well eating-wise yesterday: ended up in the negative calorie zone. Yay. Weight's back under 160 now.

I came very close to fucking up last night. My husband and I stopped by a drive-thru on the way home, and I was very tempted to binge and blame it on my period. Like that freaking makes it okay. Anyway, there I was... stoned as hell, under heavy pressure, with all of those cheesy favorites I once knew accusingly staring right back at me. It was very close; I'm disgusted with my flimsy will power. BUT in the end I was a good girl, and thought about how my stomach would feel afterward - how fat and disgusting I'd be. I thought about how I'd look like all the obese people sitting inside, nom nom noming their lives away. So I settled for a couple small bites of my husband's deathwish to curb the cravings and was content for the night.

When these opportunities to fail arise, I need to stand firm and resolute. There should not be a moment's hesitation in my voice when I politely decline. The fact that there was even a possibility of me binging last night is ridiculous. Who the fuck do I think I am? Apparently I haven't been spending enough quality time in front of the mirror. It's really amazing that I can forget how fat I am with all of this shame draped over me, making my body jiggle and thighs brush together. A fucking miracle.

Okay, rant over. I survived. Go me. End of.

 

My belly hurts. I really wish I had some juice right now.

Edit: I found some juice!! Light cranberry, for the fucking win. :D

FML

What the fuck is wrong with the part of my brain that says stop eating?! I was perfectly fine last night. Had a bite of some flatbread sandwich, and felt completely full. And then.... ugh. I don't even want to recap the horror show, let's just call it 500 calories. Plus extra-strength senna tea, which has been cramping up my stomach all morning. The worst part is I wasn't even hungry, not to mention I've been eating like a cow for the last several days. Still no weight gain, but it feels like I've gained ten pounds. Maintaining is not enough. I need to be perfect, damnit. I need to see progress, to see bones revealing their beautiful structure and form... to see people drop their jaws as I pass by.

So, yes. Even though it's probably been like a month since I've had over 900 calories, I am still fat and appear to be doing nothing about it. Today's going to be so horrible; I work as a waitress, which makes me very self-conscious. I'm going to hate myself all day. Oh, and we can't wear blue jeans to work anymore, so I am basically going to destroy my one pair of nice black slacks tonight. I don't know what to do right now, except cry. But crying won't help. I guess I'll settle for watching The Phantom of the Opera and thinking about how happy I would be if I looked like Christine...

I'll update later with how the day went. I will work harder. I will pull myself together, I promise. No more fucking heifer games.

Losing Control

Okay, so I made it 48 hours on my liquid fast. Nothing but chicken broth, juice, diet soda, and water. It felt really good, and then I woke up on Saturday and ate like woah. Those meal plans I made sat completely untouched while this fatty roamed rampant... 800 calories (and no exercise) later, I currently weigh 160.6. Started fast at 161.6, and ended at 159.8. The shit list includes a grilled chicken wrap (200), small cheeseburger (200), sugar-free ice cream (150), baked chips and dip (150), 1 can tuna (120).

I don't think I'm going to fast anymore. I felt so bitchy the second day, and very tired... maybe I just need food to focus on not eating more food, hah. There is waaaay too far to go to be playing games like this. So from now on, I'm eating everyday, with a net intake of no higher than 200 calories. Only 50 cals (if that) of junk food or sweets, only 0 cal drinks, lots of salad, and senna tea. Exercise every day as well - whatever it takes to burn off the day's damage.

Maybe when I'm skinny I can kiss food goodbye, but right now (I hate to say) I need it. Not eating is going to slow down my progress, and so is binging every other day. I need to strike a delicate balance so my metabolism spikes and my weight drops. Come on, come on, come on... no more fuck ups.

Walking tonight after work. Eating <250 calories, don't know what yet but I'm going to burn it all off later. Drinking tea until my insides burst. Trying so desperately, no matter how long it takes.

Intake:

• Broccoli and cheese (70 cal.)
• Beef, rice, and peppers (80 cal.)
• Turkey and mustard flatbread (100 cal.

Worked 4 hours as delivery driver (-200 cal.)

Net intake: 50 calories

On to the Next One

Good morning, ladies. Today is a happy day. I weigh 160.9, which means that I can now focus on my third goal of 150. Thanks for all the positivity and support; it feels really good to see results, and to have people tip their hats at it. You're all so lovely. :)

Yesterday's fast went well: one glass of orange juice and one mile walked. I feel so light and dainty (until I realize there's still pounds of fat clinging to me). Today should pose no problem: I'll mostly be alone, and am planning to do only light housework, laundry, etc. so I won't be very exhausted by the time I go to work tonight. If needed, I have a portion of chicken broth set aside to keep me moving.

I stayed up late last night scheming, and this is what I came up with:

• Saturday's meal plan
• Sunday's meal plan
• Monday's meal plan

If this works for me, then I'll make additional plans for the rest of the week. I really need to start preparing my own food and stop relying on packaged stuff. There are so many delicious options out there, and cooking for myself ensures proper nutrition and calories. Plus, I could eat less at dinner by claiming to have "munched" in the kitchen. :)

It feels weird to write about food in a somewhat positive light. Honestly, I'd rather never eat anything again... but when I give in to that urge I always end up binging. Always. So, to prevent myself from going through that hell, I'm going to allow myself a taste of this and a taste of that. Barely enough to satisfy my taste buds, yet nothing that will hinder my goals. For example: 100 calorie double chocolate brownies. If yummy food is already budgeted (and compensated) for in my meal plan, then I'll be much less likely to go overboard, and will generally raise less alarm with my husband. "But honey, remember when I ate that brownie with you...?" I have to put my food issues aside to focus on weight loss. Fifty more pounds to go; no distractions.

Any other chefs out there? This list is a work in progress of tasty meals under 200 calories. I only have about twenty recipes, so if you know of any good'uns please pass them on.

...reach for the sky...

The New Girls

Compulsions

First off, thanks for all the nice comments. I only wish I was that dedicated... I'd call it more of a compulsion really.

I think I fucked up. The night before last I had a net intake of 70 calories, and was not hungry whatsoever. Then I get on facebook, and for something stupid reason decide to look at my husband's ex-girlfriend's modeling pictures. Seeing that skinny girl's frame, and imagining how her hips must have felt compared to mine... I don't know how that made me feel. But I did find myself in the kitchen, heating up HALF a frozen pizza... which I ate in like five seconds flat. 400 calories, fuck. And did the legendary Jasmine go running like a good girl? No. She sat alone in the dark, crying and hating herself like a stupid lazy cow.

*Sigh* Yesterday was better (100 cal.) and I haven't gained any weight, so I guess I'll let this go for now, but I need to be better. I need to be strong, beautiful, and successful. All of that will happen as soon as I stop stuffing my fucking face. It's funny how a few moments of bad judgement will haunt me for days...

Penance will be mine. I know a couple other girls are fasting or planning fasts... well, I'm not eating until Saturday if you'd wish to join me. I'm also planning a strict diet and exercise plan so I don't fall off track once I deserve nourishment again.

Random fact: People at work have been assuming that I'm losing weight by using amphetamines. Let them think what they want ;)

Stay skinny girls, because we'll never be happy as fatties.

Edit: I just took my measurements, and in the last ten days I have:

• Lost 5 pounds
• Lost 1 inch on my waist
• Lost 1.5 inches at my navel
• Lost 1 inch on my hips
• Lost 1.5 inches on my thigh
• Lost 1.73% general body fat

:D

Christmas in September? Not quite.

Last night I ended the day at 70 calories, which was good. Now here comes the bad: my husband and I decided to stay up all night, resulting in about 200 more calories down my throat. Where's my willpower, right? I compensated for my momentary stupidity by going for a 2 mile jog in the pouring rain. Came home, showered, drank a cup of senna tea, and crashed until around six this evening. The rewarding part: when I woke up, I weighed 161.8... a half-pound loss and right on schedule. I'm so excited to cross off my second goal and slide down into the 150's - a welcome change from the 160's, 170's, and 180's I've shamefully endured since starting this blog. Still fat, but not as much as I was yesterday.

Intake:

• 1 cup chicken alfredo and fettuchine (100 cal.)
• 1 glass V8 Fusion (110 cal.)

100 crunches, -70 calories
Walked 1 mile, -100 calories

Net intake: 40 calories

It might be a bit early to mention this, but is anybody else excited for Christmas? I'm fairly confident that I'll be at my ultimate goal weight by then; what a perfect way to begin 2011! I've also noticed a few leaves starting to turn color in the neighborhood... come on, winter. I'm ready for changes.

 

To the Point

Sorry, this is going to be a short post. I'm feeling very tired and disorganized... yet somewhat accomplished. Sleep will hopefully come in the near future.

CW: 162.8 pounds

Intake:

• 1 cup cereal with skim milk (150 cal.)
• Small chicken salad (20 cal.)

Walked 1 mile (4am), -100 calories

Net intake: 70 calories

Bittersweet

The whole family went to eat at a steakhouse, and I survived. Nibbled at the appetizers, ate from the salad bar, and went back for "seconds".

It's time to tally up:

• A bite of onion ring, a bite of fried mushroom (30 cal.)
• Beef tips with gravy, rice, and beans (50 cal.)
• Salad with a dribble of ranch, cauliflower, and carrot (30 cal.)
• Banana cream pie (60 cal.)

Total: 170 calories
100 crunches, -70 cal.
Net: 100 calories 

That is freaking amazing, considering how well I had everyone fooled today. Grandma asked about my weight loss after I ordered a salad... I smiled and said that I've just been eating healthy, that's all. I really didn't lie to my grandmother; I think I am being healthy. Obsessing over calories and fat is much better than mindlessly eating.

Tomorrow they're going home and I'm gracefully slipping back into the negative. I'm going to be so sad about their departure... yet simultaneously blissful. *sigh*

Stay strong, my lovelies. xox

Mystical

I can't stand when people notice my weight loss and eagerly ask how I did it. How to be healthy should be no secret. When your parents said, "eat your vegetables," you should have fucking listened. When you were sitting on your ass watching television, you should have been burning the fat off of it. Drink water. Eat less. Move more. And please, leave me the fuck alone - I am not Jenny Craig.

Ahem. Anyway.

I'm feeling better today. The scale is back at 164, and I'm freaking out a bit that I won't meet my goal, but as long as I come close... I guess that will be okay. Definitely not the end of the world. I am still going to be thin and beautiful, even if it takes a couple days longer than anticipated.

Yesterday I had half a serving of baked chips (65 cal.), worked five hours, and did 100 crunches. I'm assuming that I finished the day well in the negative range. That's going to be the norm for the next week or so; I need to break through this little plateau and keep pressing onwards.

It feels so exhilarating to pull on some old blue jeans and have them instantly slip down past my hips. I want to keep going until I'm perfect. This winter, I'm going to walk through the shops in some kickass leggings and a sexy sweater, looking like a mythical fairy creature from Ana Land or something. And I'll buy gorgeous, stunning clothes that I've only dreamed of wearing... I will be so damned proud of myself on this day.

CW: 164.6

Intake:

• 3/4 sausage and egg biscuit (250 cal.)
• Meatloaf, green beans, and fruit (200 cal.)

Walked 3 miles (7am), -150 calories
Jogged 1 mile (8pm), -75 calories
60 crunches (1am), -35 calories


Net Intake: 195 calories

Who are you?

I really want to write an informative and organized post... but my brain is not functioning today. Sorry. Wednesday was a good negative intake day, and I tried to replicate it yesterday. Fail. I did well all day... with the husband, with the family... then I get home and munch munch munch... 300 calories in one sitting. Ugh what a fatass I am. Not much weight gain, but I'm still at 165. In six days I need to be at 159. If I can not achieve this then I might as well go ahead and kill myself right now, because I'll never succeed at anything in life.

The other day I saw an old friend (boyfriend?) for the first time in like, maybe four or five years. He knew me in my super-fat days... and here I stand, dozens and dozens of pounds lighter... "Wow, you look healthy." A normal person would have been overjoyed at the compliment. But me... haha. I'm just thinking the whole time, I should be skinny. I should be beautiful. I should be heartbreakingly gorgeous. Nope - just healthy. Easier than I used to be on the eyes, but nowhere near close enough to being a treasured jewel. And in this moment of shame, I hated myself with the maximum of my hate potential. I still am.

There is no fucking excuse for the way that I look. Yes, I had a rough childhood... my dad used to be the anorexic voice in my head: Don't eat that, you'll get fat. You don't want to be fat, do you? Now go run fifty laps before bed. He used to push me so hard, and my body reflected the effort. If he had never gone away then I would be self-disciplined and perfect... But after the divorce, the fat kid decided it was time to have a free day. I binged and binged... eight-years-old. The overeating never stopped. It was like, I thought I could defy my dad. But that's impossible. He was right. I am fat - now go fucking do something about it.

Human potential is so terribly vast. I just want to dive right in; I want to push my body until blood seeps from the pores. I want to keep spiraling down into the negative calories until my head is floating, completely detached above my neck. I want to take a scalpel and scrape this disgusting fucking FAT away... leaving behind the clarity of bone. Only when you see bone do you know that you've done everything you can to be a better person. Only then, can you find who you really are, the matter you're really made of.

Surprise!

Guess what - my two favorite grandparents in the world have arrived four days early. I'm very excited and pleased to see them... but shit. A weekend of covert food avoidance just transformed into nearly a week. Time for some strategic planning, methinks.

• Avoid all possible meals: arrive late, decline leftovers
• Be sneaky with the snacks: fill up a non-translucent cup and pretend to munch every now and then
• Fake enthusiasm: get super excited over traditional family dishes, mention "favorites"
• Mealtime=battlefield: load up on veggies when possible, choose smaller dish so tiny portions are less obvious, leave at least half uneaten, chew slowly
• Stay focused: no mindless munching, no consumption of unknown calories
• Excuses, excuses: fake hangover (thanks Bella!), period cramps, chew gum (too good/expensive to spit out), wisdom tooth pain, already ate
• Shake that ass: keep moving, burn maximum amount of calories to compensate for that homemade macaroni and cheese
• Project illusions: 1: do some chores, play with the kids, just keep busy so no one has time to wonder why I'm not eating, 2: bring along a to-go cup from any restaurant to make it seem that I already ate

If anyone can add to that I'd really appreciate it. At my mom's house it's very hard to be sneaky because of all the people, so I need to seem as realistic as possible.

CW: 165.2

Intake:

• 5 fishsticks with ketchup (190 cal.)
• 1 bite of a cookie (20 cal.)
  

Walked 3 miles (-250 cal.)

Total: -40 calories

I have fallen in love with Diet A&W Root Beer. Mmm... creamy. :)

Yesterday was so awesome: I ate nothing, save one bite of the husband's chicken nugget. Around midnight my stomach was angry in protest; I logged into Blogger and read some lovely blogs to stay strong. And strong I stayed. Thank you, ladies.

My weight's still hovering at 166, which is probably because I ate 400 calories right before bed a couple nights ago. NEVER eat late at night. It's useless and stupid, especially if you really want to lose weight. Hah. I'm hoping to be at 159 by September 9, when I update my progress page again.

This weekend my grandparents are visiting, and they're already talking of numerous "traditional" goodies to be consumed... UGH. I'm going to need lots of rock-solid excuses.

Intake:

• Lean cuisine meal (190 cal.)
• 1/2 tuna sandwich (200 cal.)

Total: 390 calories 

Pep Talk

I had a talk with the husband about aforementioned issues, and presented an ultimatum: either he learns self-control or I am leaving. I'm still waiting for an answer. I wish I had never made myself so foolishly vulnerable to this... man. Life was so much simpler when my heart was as hard as a rock.

Weighed in at 166.8 today. Four more pounds, and I'll have lost twenty since I started this blog five weeks ago. I've also dropped two pants sizes. Yes - I'm still fat and disgusting and am ashamed to look the way I do... but I have been making progress. I need to remember this when I get depressed about the small things: No matter what happens, this fight isn't lost as long as you're still fighting. Never give up. Just because you're not there yet doesn't mean it's unattainable; it is. Dream it, then be it. Pursue your desires every day and you shall be victorious.