Numb

I feel weird. I'm kind of afraid to post, because I have no idea what I'd write. There are so many emotions raging in my head that only the cold bliss of numbness keeps me sane. Feeling nothing makes me feel alive. I can't subdue myself to the overwhelming despair which threatens to pull me under.

I've been very selective with my music today. It started with "The Pusuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi, followed by Jason Mraz's "You and I Both", and now I'm stuck on "Ticket to Ride" by The Beatles. I don't know why I listen to songs on repeat when I'm in this particular mood.

The one that's playing now has a very special meaning. Almost two years ago, my husband got really drunk and did some things to me which have mostly remained buried in my subconscious. After he was finished breaking me, he told me I should really listen to this song. I did - all night long, while he was sleeping it off at his parents'. For the longest time afterwards, I would hear it at some random place and burst into tears or go cut myself so I wouldn't make a scene. I don't feel that way anymore.

"I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today..."

Maybe I'm starting to believe that he should be the one mourning our love while weeping with the music. I learned to play this song on the guitar, and if I ever leave him I'm going to play a version of it first. In a sadistic way... I kind of want him to feel this same pain. The pain of wanting to be loved so desperately, and of being trampled to the ground.

"She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care..."

He's told me so many horrendous things. I actually love myself more now than I did before I ever met him, because I'm always picking up the pieces of my own heart off the ground. Somehow I thought that marriage would be all kinds of different. Haha, how many people told me not to get hitched at 18...

I still don't know if I should have listened to the warnings.

Last night, I made love to my husband. After we climaxed at the same time I whispered a word of thanks in his ear. He responded, "Thank you, Sarah." I asked what he had just said, and he froze. "I love you. I said that I love you." That sounds nothing like what I heard. Then he got angry, accused me of being crazy, insecure, and stupid. He couldn't tell me if he ever had feelings for his friend Sarah, or what he actually thought he said. Nothing but manipulative excuses.

I don't know if this really hurts me, or if I'm just pretending to care.

The cold weather's come down to Texas. It's outside, and it's in my heart. I'm going to be making some decisions this winter. They might break me once more.

I'll eventually get over it, move on...

But for now, my heart is frozen. I feel no pain. No hate. No sorrow. Not even as I hear these words fading from the speakers....

"My baby don't care."