Sanitarium

Last night I took five muscle relaxers. A friend came over, left them on my desk, and gave me a knowing look. I am a recovering pill junkie. So, of course, I took them. Instantly. Then I spent the next couple hours enjoying my high and wishing I had more. I don't remember passing out, just waking up at the foot of the bed in an awkward position. The husband said I was delirious.

My head and heart are both very confused. I want to be strong, a perfect example of what will power can do. Yet... I simultaneously want to destroy myself. I want to be perfect and irregular. Happy and sad. Alive and dead. I want to push my mind to the limits, and then I want to push my body. I want to wear short sleeves tonight at work, yet I want to go up and down my arms with all the favorites. I want to try every drug out there, while warning others of the many dangers. I want to be normal and just eat healthy, but usually I don't want to see a single morsel of fat anywhere near me.

I desperately want to destroy myself as a means of validation. If I can truly push myself to the edge and survive, then maybe I am worthy of being alive. But on the other hand, I want to better myself in every way possible. Self improvement is masturbation, right?

Argh. This is too confusing. I don't want to think anymore, I just want to exist.

"Sanitarium" - Metallica 

Welcome to where time stands still

No one leaves and no one will

Moon is full, never seems to change

Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred

Sleep my friend and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says rage

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what's out there
And cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I'm insane

They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
He's getting better, can't you tell?

No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
But they think this saves us from our hell

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Fear of living on
Natives getting restless now
Mutiny in the air
Got some death to do
Mirror stares back hard
Kill, it's such a friendly word
Seems the only way

For reaching out again