[Caution, depressing post ahead.]
I don't know what to say. There are no words in my heart, ready to to spilled. No secret confessions. All I feel is an even, flat numbness.
Weight's down to 157.8, BMI 23.9. I ran a mile last night. Other than that, I've been a horribly lazy slob and haven't been shedding fat as I should. My arms are covered in scratches that will probably take two weeks to disappear, so it's long sleeves for me. Yay.
I wanted to go deeper. He said, "I'm tired of fucking looking at you," and I wanted to split a vein. But I didn't, I went running instead. A temporary setback. Once I've envisioned the flesh parting there's really no going back. I will do better. I wonder how much weight one could lose from blood loss.
Someday, I'll be beautiful and thin, but no one will ever see it because I'll be covering my scars. I don't know if I even really care.
aw, what the fuck, he said that? that's fucked up and I'm sorry you have to deal with things like that. you ARE beautiful, don't hide.
ReplyDeleteAw babe. He's an absolute idiot.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, lovely!
I hope you know that.
Hang in there.
We're here for you.
You don't need him.
<3
Ah my Sweetie, I'm so sorry things are going so rough. The physical scars will leave with time and tissue oil, but the emotional scars run too deep, hey?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you chose to go running instead, it's a far less messy catharsis!
Blood letting could result in very sudden death, which is more effective as a means of suicide than weight loss. If you change your mind halfway through, you could be too weak to stop yourself and it could all go tits-up entirely!. I think you should reconsider, your weight's coming down and that's all that's important.
You can do this, Babe, just be patient, just breathe. Be good to yourself and remember, there are people out there who care, even if you don't. We are all here for you and we are listening. Will chat again soon. X.
P.S. Thanks for your comment.
Awww, geez, i'm sorry, so very sorry. Wish i knew what to say. Been there, done that.
ReplyDeleteHugs, tracy