This is hard. I ate 600 calories yesterday and felt so disgusting. I binged. It was a binge. Please tell me that's not a binge.
The husband and I are still together for the moment... but who really fucking knows. He keeps playing break-up songs on the guitar. He spends a lot of time on the computer, smiling. It's really tempting to set up some spyware and see what he's so happy about, but a large part of me is too afraid. Why am I so pathetic. I am pathetic.
I am so unstable. The questions life is posing to me: Can you be healthy without him? Can you do it for yourself? I hit my head against the wall earlier. Three times, like always. All I could see was a blissfully white blankness. It doesn't even hurt anymore, I just can't think clearly.
Today I will starve because I need to. The scale hasn't budged from 156.2 in three days, and I'm getting fucking desperate. I don't know how to eat healthily. It's either this, or binge like a fatass. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be fucking fat.
Yesterday, I asked if he could help me. If he could show me how to be healthy. He said that he wants no part in this... and I'm like, what the hell. He does not want to acknowledge my eating problems at all. I guess that applies to all of my problems; he saw the cuts/scratches on my arm and said, "oh, carpet burn?" Yes husband, I was sliding around the carpet on my left forearm. You are so fucking clever.
I don't know how to do this alone. I don't know how to lose weight and eat at the same time. Pushing this issue probably won't lead to recovery... I'll just meet up with a new kind of disorder (bulimia, anyone?) and fall headfirst into the comfort I find so often in disordered living. Or maybe I'll just become a fat, lazy alcoholic like my husband. Hmm.
How am I supposed to find the strength to get better when I don't want to?
I cried on the scale this morning. I can not do this to myself. I can not poison my body with all of these carbs and calories... then expect a couple miles of light jogging to make me slim. Starving makes me happy. It gives me a confidence that nothing else has ever granted. Right now, I feel just as fat as I did three months ago.
Maybe I'll compromise by aiming for a weight in the healthy range, but getting there however I want to. Because I'm a selfish human being that only thinks of herself. If I can't stop losing weight by that time, then I'll get help.
I can't help myself.
Have you thought about counseling with your husband or on your own? Sounds like he isn't supportive which is never good for any marriage. We put ourselves into quite a difficult situation with our complicated attitudes about weight and food. It's tough. The thing about starving is it stalls your metabolism. Then you eat and you gain right? Damned if you do damned if you don't. I don't know what to tell you. I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteyou are NOT pathetic and 600 calories is NOT a binge. I know it feels like a binge, but I promise it's not.
ReplyDeletewhatever you do, has to be for yourself. if you get healthy for someone else, then it's not really in your heart and you'll relapse. really, it's all fucked and I don't know what I'm doing either.
600 is definitely not a binge. If you decide to get healthy, you should do it for yourself and no one else. At the same time, the people in your life who love you should give you support when you ask for it. That's what loving relationships are for.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, hun! We're all here for you. xXx