FML

What the fuck is wrong with the part of my brain that says stop eating?! I was perfectly fine last night. Had a bite of some flatbread sandwich, and felt completely full. And then.... ugh. I don't even want to recap the horror show, let's just call it 500 calories. Plus extra-strength senna tea, which has been cramping up my stomach all morning. The worst part is I wasn't even hungry, not to mention I've been eating like a cow for the last several days. Still no weight gain, but it feels like I've gained ten pounds. Maintaining is not enough. I need to be perfect, damnit. I need to see progress, to see bones revealing their beautiful structure and form... to see people drop their jaws as I pass by.

So, yes. Even though it's probably been like a month since I've had over 900 calories, I am still fat and appear to be doing nothing about it. Today's going to be so horrible; I work as a waitress, which makes me very self-conscious. I'm going to hate myself all day. Oh, and we can't wear blue jeans to work anymore, so I am basically going to destroy my one pair of nice black slacks tonight. I don't know what to do right now, except cry. But crying won't help. I guess I'll settle for watching The Phantom of the Opera and thinking about how happy I would be if I looked like Christine...

I'll update later with how the day went. I will work harder. I will pull myself together, I promise. No more fucking heifer games.