Yesterday sucked ass, for lack of a classier word choice. I went to my husband's cousin's wedding (which was a four hour drive altogether). Did well, only ate a small plate of chopped beef and some onions. Then we go to a party after the reception. He gets so drunk that I'm basically babysitting the rest of the night. Then he gets angry on the way home and I start having flashbacks...
Why do I allow myself this suffering? He's hurt me before. He's always going to be an alcoholic. Nothing will change except me, and I don't want to lose myself. I only want to lose the fat. I keep telling myself, just wait and see. Wait until he hurts you again. Then you can leave. But I spent my entire adolescence in abusive homes, and I know - I fucking know - that this is a sick cycle, and that I will never win unless I'm free.
But I love him. The way my mom loved all those losers that abused us. And I'm slowly growing to hate myself for it. So many times I vowed that I would NEVER be like my mom, that I would be strong and independent, and never take shit from any man. Now here I am: 21 years old. Unhappy. Potentially in a dead-end marriage.
What the fuck do I fucking do.
CW: 167.2
Intake:
Chicken salad, 50 calories
Cheese flatbread, 250 calories
Rice cakes, 90 calories
Buffalo snackers w/ light ranch, 90 calories
Total: 480 calories
-100 calories, walked 1 mile
Total: 380 calories
im so sorry, and i understand where you are comming from- my mother and stepfather have drinking problems, and he constantly loses his temper, hitting her etc.
ReplyDeleteits not my place to say, because it is your life but thats the thing.. its YOUR life, live for you, care about only your happiness and what ever it will take for you to be ok because in the end no one else matters. i know that probbaly sounds incredibly selfish but sometimes we have to be, to survive..
i hope you are ok
xoxo