I have fallen in love with Diet A&W Root Beer. Mmm... creamy. :)

Yesterday was so awesome: I ate nothing, save one bite of the husband's chicken nugget. Around midnight my stomach was angry in protest; I logged into Blogger and read some lovely blogs to stay strong. And strong I stayed. Thank you, ladies.

My weight's still hovering at 166, which is probably because I ate 400 calories right before bed a couple nights ago. NEVER eat late at night. It's useless and stupid, especially if you really want to lose weight. Hah. I'm hoping to be at 159 by September 9, when I update my progress page again.

This weekend my grandparents are visiting, and they're already talking of numerous "traditional" goodies to be consumed... UGH. I'm going to need lots of rock-solid excuses.

Intake:

• Lean cuisine meal (190 cal.)
• 1/2 tuna sandwich (200 cal.)

Total: 390 calories 

Pep Talk

I had a talk with the husband about aforementioned issues, and presented an ultimatum: either he learns self-control or I am leaving. I'm still waiting for an answer. I wish I had never made myself so foolishly vulnerable to this... man. Life was so much simpler when my heart was as hard as a rock.

Weighed in at 166.8 today. Four more pounds, and I'll have lost twenty since I started this blog five weeks ago. I've also dropped two pants sizes. Yes - I'm still fat and disgusting and am ashamed to look the way I do... but I have been making progress. I need to remember this when I get depressed about the small things: No matter what happens, this fight isn't lost as long as you're still fighting. Never give up. Just because you're not there yet doesn't mean it's unattainable; it is. Dream it, then be it. Pursue your desires every day and you shall be victorious.

 

Hell in her eyes

Yesterday sucked ass, for lack of a classier word choice. I went to my husband's cousin's wedding (which was a four hour drive altogether). Did well, only ate a small plate of chopped beef and some onions. Then we go to a party after the reception. He gets so drunk that I'm basically babysitting the rest of the night. Then he gets angry on the way home and I start having flashbacks...

Why do I allow myself this suffering? He's hurt me before. He's always going to be an alcoholic. Nothing will change except me, and I don't want to lose myself. I only want to lose the fat. I keep telling myself, just wait and see. Wait until he hurts you again. Then you can leave. But I spent my entire adolescence in abusive homes, and I know - I fucking know - that this is a sick cycle, and that I will never win unless I'm free.

But I love him. The way my mom loved all those losers that abused us. And I'm slowly growing to hate myself for it. So many times I vowed that I would NEVER be like my mom, that I would be strong and independent, and never take shit from any man. Now here I am: 21 years old. Unhappy. Potentially in a dead-end marriage.

What the fuck do I fucking do.

CW: 167.2

Intake:
Chicken salad, 50 calories
Cheese flatbread, 250 calories
Rice cakes, 90 calories
Buffalo snackers w/ light ranch, 90 calories
Total: 480 calories
          -100 calories, walked 1 mile
Total: 380 calories

can't stop / won't stop

I don't feel much like writing today... hence the massive thinspo dump.

Enjoy. :)

For The Record

It's been a while since I've posted like this, but I really need to keep track of my intake as the day progresses.

• Diet soda (0)
• Grilled chicken salad w/ light ranch (150)
• 1/2 root beer float (200)

Total so far: 350. Not so bad, for eating fast food in the company of my dude. His meal totaled over 1200 calories! Wtf. Oh, and I managed only half of the root beer float by ditching most of the ice cream (and some soda) out the truck window while he was inside a store. Sneaky, sneaky...

• Walked one hour (-200 calories according to this calculator)
• Gatorade (40)
• Chicken soup w/ 3 crackers (120)
• Senna tea (0)

Total: 510... but a net intake of 310 due to my evening stroll through the park.

 

I may not be a perfect soul, but I can learn self-control.

I did so well on my fast yesterday... got off work completely exhausted, and was ready to fall into bed. Then I stayed up stupid late with the husband, and ended up with a couple chips, six strawberries, and another 90-cal. pack of cookies in my belly. When I tried to get rid of it promptly - there was a fucking cockroach playing peek-a-boo behind the toilet, so the opportunity was wasted. I drank some senna tea instead, and voila - today I still lost weight. 168.4 :)

Today is going to require careful planning. I'm off all day... and so is my husband, so he will be present for all of the meals I usually skip. Fuuuuck. I just want to keep fasting until I get it perfect. But no. I'm supposed to be considerate. I'm supposed to pretend that I'm happy being so hideously fat, and just want to diet for "health concerns". *sighs* It's probably better this way, anyhow. I've never been a good faster... typically regain the weight instantly and go around hating myself more than normal.

Bloody Professional

I did so well yesterday... then at 11pm I go pick up my husband and BAM - sandwich. The one he brings from work, thankfully with no cheese on wheat bread. Well I ate a whole 6 inch, with turkey, lettuce, and mustard. And then, since I had already fucked up, I went ahead and downed a 90 cal. pack of chocolate cookies. It wasn't even because I was hungry. The husband just looked at me with those sad eyes, like I was wasting away in front of him... he knows too much. This is making things difficult.

This morning we had an argument over his cigarette smoking. I hate waking up to find the house filled with smoke. I hate going to work and smelling like smoke. I don't even use the motherfuckers, myself... so why must I suffer? Well, he doesn't really think it's so bad, and is being inconsiderate about everything.

Right now, I can't feel anything. I went to the restroom and took apart a disposable razor in like three seconds flat. I'm so good at that. Sitting here with blood dripping down my arm... I am calm. Don't worry - I'm a professional. This is my favorite field, and I've been practicing for over half of my life.

Today I'm fasting again: take two. I won't subdue my desires this time. If I ever want to be thin, it's time to start thinking like my husband.

Me. Myself. I. Nothing else matters.

Say Hello...

...to the rug's topography.

This morning I weighed 169.0 - should I be happy? In my heart I know that I made a tiny achievement, yet logically I am so far from my goals it is hard to rejoice. I don't even feel deserving of my haircut for reaching 170. This train of thought is actually positive, I promise. Celebration typically leads to binging. Which leads to hating myself for being a huge-fat-ass. And I don't want to be a fatass anymore. So I'm just going to keep my head to the ground about this and try not to get too full of myself.

The husband recently left for work, and I will be alone all night. Which means freedom from food. Yesterday I had 600 calories, so today I'll make up for that by attempting a liquid fast. If I can be convincing enough tonight that I already "ate", then I can enjoy my hunger all day long. No excuses for skipping meals, no purging in the secret... just pure, simple emptiness.

I'm moving in a month, and this is who I'll be hanging with in my new city.

[picture removed]

My friend from high school

Taken two years ago

Weight: Approx. 100 pounds

[picture removed]

Same friend, current photo

Weight: Unknown

I do not want to be the fat, tag-along friend anymore. I want to be beautiful, simple, graceful, delicate... and if I don't work harder this will never happen. 

*Is motivated.*

To Be Continued...

My period is over!!! AND, I am at 170.0 exactly. I've reached my first goal, and should be rewarding myself with a shnazzy new haircut in the near future. Yay. :)

I don't have much time before I'm supposed to be at work. I need to figure things out, like breakfast, and if I'm too physically weak to skip it. Hmm.

Elaboration later, yes? Okay.



Have a good day!!
*spreads happy vibes*



Edit: I got on the scale again, and it said 169.8. A very small difference, but seeing a one sixy-something with my fat ass above it really took me back to skinnier days... for a second I envisioned myself in the mirror, beautiful and weightless. Then I blinked and saw the reality in front of my eyes. So much to do; fifty-nine more pounds to lose.

Boob Power

I just got off work, and have eaten nothing today but one carrot stick from the salad bar. In an hour the husband gets off as well, and I'm already prepared. :) I have a huuuge container full of carrots and cucumbers. He will probably also be prepared with a ginormous sandwich stacked with meat and cheese and fat, but I'll graciously decline. Nom nom nom, carrots make me happy. :)

Technically, I'm not supposed to weigh-in until Monday... but I got on the scale this morning and it said 170.8. This made me very happy because I know that in three days I should be seeing something in the 160's. How awesome would it be if I hit 165... mmmm... as my mind counts down the numbers to 110, my heart quickens and my hands sweat. I want this so bad. I've wanted this ever since the fat first came, so many years ago. But now, now I'm making it happen. The world will be mine, and I will be as beautiful (and light) as a snowflake.

On a partially related note, I am so fucking excited for winter. There won't be much snow here (sadface) but the air will be so delightfully crisp and refreshing. I am going to get sooo much exercise this winter. I wonder if I'll have reached my goal by this time next year? Maybe I should make that a goal as well.

Okay, enough rambling. Back to the facts.

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday. He doesn't really have anything planned, yet we're spending all day together. We'll probably go eat somewhere, then go to his parents' (food castle), and my mom might stop by later (cake queen). All of that, plus the time we're just at the house bored, could equal one bigass disaster. I really don't like purging, so once more Jaz must get creative. Maybe I'll line my pockets with Ziploc baggies, and just stuff all those calories out of sight. Ooor, I could feign stomach cramps, but he might not fall for that since my period's almost over. Hmm... oh, maybe I could wear a low-cut shirt to distract his concerned eyes from my plate. That sounds like a winner to me. :)

(The girl on the right is my thinspo, the other could stand to lose methinks)

Lazy Day?

I'm sitting in a cove of serenity. Home alone, with calming incense and music filling the air... a warm cup of green tea at my side, a rumble in my belly, christmas lights painting the walls an assortment of colors. Nothing on the agenda except work in eight hours, and the husband's return in six.

Since yesterday was full of calories, today will be my penance. No food until I go to work at five - maybe some veggies, or a sandwich portion. Then afterward fruit and water, nothing else. Of course, I'll be reassuring my stomach the whole time. Yes, you can have whatever you want. We just don't need it. You are not hungry. By the end of the day I hope to be so far gone in the Negative that my head is spinning.

This is my logic: I don't want to eat anything today. Since food is required for energy, I will save as much as possible (and sit on my ass) until I've consumed something. Then I will go to work and get rid of it all - the proper way. I'm delivering pizza tonight so this should be easy... I can jog to and from houses, go up and down stairs, and every other customer I meet is wonderful reverse thinsperation.

Now, time to start enjoying my day. I'm going to get all comfy in bed, watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Sweet Dee is so cute) or Next Top Model, get stoned out of my mind, and sleep until three.

Stay strong, my three wonderful followers. I see you. :D

Edited to include intake:

One salad, 40 calories

Total: 40 calories

Oh hell yes, I rock. :D

Under Wraps

I started my period today, gross. I'm not "officially" weighing myself until Monday - but in reality, I will probably step on the scale at least four times a day. It just doesn't count for records-keeping purposes.

Since I don't have that particular number to worry about at the moment, I will focus my attention on other numbers: calories. Speaking of those... I fucked up earlier. My husband and I were arguing/fighting/whatever, and I irrationally (and quite hormonally) blurted some gibberish about how the only time he pays attention to me is when it's time to eat so I can get fatter. I don't know how he reacted, really. His expression was an eerie shade of blank. But I forecast a gloomy future; he knows my history. I must consume every calorie directly in front of him, if I want him to lay off the heat. I hope there's no heat. It's too damn hot here already.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. We're supposed to barbecue tonight. Big, greasy hunks of meat. And there's also a chicken sandwich lurking in the fridge, brought home especially for me. :(

It's time to get creative.


Intake:

One cup of senna tea, 0 calories
One scrambled egg with toast, 180 calories
One half Subway sandwich, 200 calories
Pork loin, beans, and salad, 200 calories
M&Ms, 100 calories

Total: 680 calories

Not great, but not too bad either. I managed to get really small portions from the barbecue stuff by heaping salad on half of my plate. The husband should be thoroughly satisfied that I am a fatass from today's festivities, which means that tomorrow will be less difficult.

Counting by Twos

I have awesome new thinspo, the old ones weren't as effective anymore. I tried to pick photos with sexy themes... double thinspo: skinny and sexy, which both I am not. So I will work twice as hard, not only for the bones but for the boners as well.


Numbers

CW: 172.0

Breakfast: 1/2 Lean Cuisine egg scrambler (75 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Salad (50 cal.)
Liquid: Tea galore (50 cal.)
Total: 175 calories

(binged later, <500 cal)
:(

Gathering Ammunition

I finally went shopping, and this is what I bought:

• Green tea with acai and red goji
• Sugar-free drink mix
• Cleansing botanical tea
• Splendaaa
• Concentrated juices
• Diet Snapple (peach and raspberry)
• Green grapes
• Bananas
• Peaches
• Oranges
• Avocados
• Oatmeal
• Low-cal vegetable soup
• Tuna
• Baked blueberry rice cakes with fiber
• Salad mix

So, yes. This is what my intake for the next couple of weeks will mainly consist of. I also bought some other junk food stuff for my husband, but I have willpower, yes I do - I have willpower... how 'bout you?

On another note: my weight is currently 172.2, and all I've eaten today is some grapes after I went shopping. Surely the scale will be my best friend tomorrow morning.

173.6

I feel like such a reject when I look at my weight and realize that I've only lost 9 pounds in 23 days. That's almost a month! However, if I keep up this suckish rate, at least I'll have lost 30 or 40 pounds by December.

In other news: I have a job offer! All I have to do is amaze them at the interview, and pass a drug test.... um, wish me luck? It's not the most amazing job in the world but it's so much better than Pizza Hell. I'd be a Customer Care Rep for a large outsourcing company, taking mainly inbound calls and placing orders. Starting at $9/hour!

Today I'll be earning $40 by taking somebody else's defensive driving class. I know that technically, I should feel bad because if this person gets in an accident then I'll be sitting here with the knowledge they probably needed. However, this guy isn't going to do it no matter who takes the test for him... so I might as well go for it, eh?

I have the next two days off, so I'm gonna have to stay really strong. Boredom is the main contributer to my random binging. Oh, and payday is tomorrow. :)

Where Has the Time Gone

Ten days ago, I weighed 174.2. That is what I weigh right now.

I'm happy that I made it back down here (the binging was getting out of hand), but I can't help but mourning those ten precious days that could have made me slightly thinner. But no worries - I'm back on track now, and that's what I'll focus on.

No food today until the husband gets home. Then at work, maybe a salad (if I get chicken I'll only eat half) and loads of diet soda. After work will be the hardest... but I will be strong enough. If anything, I'll probably eat a 100 cal. bag of popcorn (great for stifling hunger). Maybe I should bring a safety salad home too, just in case.

Now I'm going to spend the next four hours smoking grass, drinking green tea, and watching The Phantom of the Opera. It's one of my favorite movies - a little reward for pulling in the reigns on my eating. :)

A Splash of Optimism

Today has been wonderful. We were busy at work, and I was running as much as possible - pretty much sweated the night away. Oh, and I have not eaten a single morsel. I've been drinking diet soda all night (with a splash of the real thing for flavor), which adds up to about 60 calories, and my husband's about to bring me a yummy low-cal vitamin water.

Now I need to prepare myself. Night time is the worst for binging, and after I smoke these two blunts right here... I'll have the munchies, oh yes. I'm planning to fill up on water when that happens.

Hopefully I won't jump off a bridge after recording my weight tomorrow morning.

On Friday (payday!) I'm planning to go stock up on vitamins, hunger suppressants (feels like cheating), metabolism boosters, cleansers, and whatever else I can get my fat little paws on. I am back on track, and this time I'm not letting up. No more comfort food, no more "I'm eating to keep up my metabolism".... just emptiness. Eat to maintain vital organs, to support muscle mass - not to feel better.

We're not falling in love, we're just falling apart.

I am so horribly disgusting, four pounds heavier than I was nine days ago. And tomorrow's my weigh-in for le progress page. Now I can have record of what a fucking "loser" I am. Haha, yay.

There has been some emotional disturbance that could account for all the binging (only purged once this week). I've been pondering all the great questions of my marriage... Why did you hurt me? Why did you tell me those things? Why did you leave? Why are you here now? Why do you love me? A year and a half ago we had some serious domestic problems. And I've tried so hard to forget about them, to sweep all it under my mental rug and forget everything.

When it all comes rushing back, what do I do? Take out two bags of cereal, a gallon of milk, one loaf of bread, a giant can of spaghetti-o's, and a box of granola bars... in an astonishing nine day period. And all of that disgusting slop is still inside my body, sloshing around, being absorbed as fat.

I need to find a good job, and get the fuck out of this town. Retreat into a city where nobody knows me and disappear. Live in a nice house nestled in some rolling hills, surrounded by so much beauty that I could never make myself ugly again. And I need to squash the husband issues. Once these obstacles are gone (man and location) maybe the great depression over my heart will lift and I'll actually allow myself to transform once more.

Stagnate

I am currently too disgusted and ashamed of myself to post my weight. Since those two days of trying to get my metabolism rolling again, I have gained three pounds. I keep having like, mini-binges... quick bites of pizza or chips (or anything, really) whenever I have the kitchen to myself. Last night I felt so sick, but even though my stomach was in knots I still ate more, only to spit it in the bin.

It's okay, I suppose. I will do better - three pounds will be a breeze.


Numbers

CW: FATASS

Breakfast: don't eat
Lunch: won't eat
Dinner: can't eat
Liquid: water, please
Total: tba

Activity: tba