Time

Well, the husband's been gone for two hours. I've already visited with my family, and the friend I was supposed to chill with tonight just said that she's going to be busy for the next three hours. So I have some time on my hands.

I want so desperately to reach out and connect with like-minded individuals - people that won't tell me I need to eat. But I was brainwashed by my time at RYL (recoveryourlife.com). As a mod, I was like an encouragement nazi or something. I feel inherently guilty for even having my blog set as public. See, I know that I'm fucked up. And I know there are lots of people like me. But somehow I feel that connecting will just spread my filth and contaminate all you lovely people. So I'll just stay hidden away for now.

I wish I could fast-foward time to the day I reach 155 again. And then I'd do it again, to the day that I'm 120. Then I would sit it out and wait, to see if I could actually drop below a BMI of 18. *sighs* I'm so fucking tired of being fat. I should have never let myself get this way again. With the eating and eating, munching, binging, cakes and cookies.... omg. How could I have ever forgotten how fucking good this feels? To pinch my arm, and yes - the fat is still there, slightly diminished since the previous day. To wake up in the morning and feel my heartbeat through my entire body, to see the white spots... To double over with hunger and still function as always. I miss it so bad. Please Ana, make me strong. You can be my imaginary friend forever.