One Step Backward, Ten Steps Forward?

I'm back at 175. I knew it as soon as I woke up this morning, before I ever saw the scale. I felt it clinging to my arms and thighs. And I feel thoroughly disgusting. However, now that the scale has moved again, I can start eating normally again and see if it goes down.

Numbers

CW: 175 pounds

Breakfast: Grape popsicle (55 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: 1/2 Cheeseburger (200 cal.)
Liquid: 10 cal.
Total: 265 calories

Activity: Worked six hours

Metabolize Me, Captain

Okay, I ate 500 calories yesterday (while doing practically nothing) and my weight is the same. Fucking scale - MOVE. Argh. Anyway, I'm going for another 500 day. I feel so much better when I eat <300, but I am determined to get this fucking scale to drop.

So yes, my dear disgusting body, I will pack you to the fullest with delectable treats of your wildest dreams. And then I will strip it away. I promise you, I will strip every last ounce away... but for now, just consume. Pack it away until the crisis is gone, and then we shall be alone again. You, me, and all of that disgusting blob we are going to get rid of.

Today would be a good one for a nice, long walk. Too bad it's like 100 degrees outside. I might be determined, but I'm not desperate for a heat stroke. I'll just try to keep active with the "little things" - cleaning, walking fast/far, and not sitting still.

I haven't eaten anything and my stomach feels full already. 500 calories. Wow. Here we go.

Numbers

CW: 174.4 pounds

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast (200 cal.)
Lunch: 2 chicken wings (80 cal.)
Dinner: 1 slice pizza (200 cal.)
Liquid: 10 cal.
Total: 490 calories

Activity: Worked five hours, ate like a fatass

Notes: My stomach felt painfully full after breakfast, and I'm thinking that maybe on high-intake days I should try to split up the calories as much as possible.

A Kick in the Ass

My entire .2 pounds of progress has been lost. I'm back at 174.4 and I hate myself. I've only eaten 300 calories or less... I should be losing. So I'm probably still not getting enough exercise. I feel exhausted, and am readily considering asking for only 15 hours a week at work. Then I would have more time to exercise, and also look for a job that doesn't involve pulling my hair out every day.

At least I'm at this plateu from not eating enough, it could be much worse. I'll just *try* to slightly up my intake and exercise. It's just so hard to eat more. I get up in the morning (when I should eat the most) and feel so ugly so I fast... then by the end of the day I'm so miserable that I end up eating.

There is one slight possibility I'm going to discuss to try making myself feel better. Maybe, since I've been working so much (lifting heavy things, walking, etc.) that my muscles are "beefing up" and that could explain the weight stabilization. As the fat burns, the muscle replaces it. Hmm.

I'm going to try to dismiss this now. Oh well. One day at a time, and at least I'm not two hundred pounds. Tomorrow will be better. Next month will be better. I will look back on this post, dozens of pounds lighter, and laugh that I ever let this minor setback upset me. Haha.

Numbers

CW: 174.4 pounds

Breakfast: Tuna sandwich (200 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Pasta (100 cal.)
Snack1: Dry cereal (100 cal.)
Snack2: Peanut butter granola bar (100 cal.)
Liquid: 10 cal.
Total: 510 calories

Activity: Worked six hours

Persevere

Only -.2 pound since yesterday. It was that fucking taco. Ughh.


Numbers

CW: 174.2 pounds

Breakfast: Blueberry rice cakes (110 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Chicken salad (100 cal.)
Liquid: 10 cal.
Total: 220 calories

Activity: Worked six hours

Time

Well, the husband's been gone for two hours. I've already visited with my family, and the friend I was supposed to chill with tonight just said that she's going to be busy for the next three hours. So I have some time on my hands.

I want so desperately to reach out and connect with like-minded individuals - people that won't tell me I need to eat. But I was brainwashed by my time at RYL (recoveryourlife.com). As a mod, I was like an encouragement nazi or something. I feel inherently guilty for even having my blog set as public. See, I know that I'm fucked up. And I know there are lots of people like me. But somehow I feel that connecting will just spread my filth and contaminate all you lovely people. So I'll just stay hidden away for now.

I wish I could fast-foward time to the day I reach 155 again. And then I'd do it again, to the day that I'm 120. Then I would sit it out and wait, to see if I could actually drop below a BMI of 18. *sighs* I'm so fucking tired of being fat. I should have never let myself get this way again. With the eating and eating, munching, binging, cakes and cookies.... omg. How could I have ever forgotten how fucking good this feels? To pinch my arm, and yes - the fat is still there, slightly diminished since the previous day. To wake up in the morning and feel my heartbeat through my entire body, to see the white spots... To double over with hunger and still function as always. I miss it so bad. Please Ana, make me strong. You can be my imaginary friend forever.

Binge me happy.

Okay. So, last night, I had a "small" binge (see previous entry for details) and felt really super miserable. But then I got on the scale this morning, and saw that I had lost half a pound. Half a pound is good, but a whole pound or two would have been awesome. Oddly enough, it seems that I am feeling more self-control after my binge... almost like a renewed sense of dedication. Also, I ate like a fat cow and still lost weight?! That must mean that my metabolism is perking up again, which means my closest goal weight is going to be reached sooner than I had anticipated.

Yep. Enough about that. I have the whole day off, and I need to get moving.


Numbers

CW: 174.4 pounds

Breakfast: 0
Lunch: Mandarin oranges (70 cal.)
Dinner: Soft taco (200 cal.)
Liquid: 30 cal.
Total: 300 calories

Activity: Cleaned the house, went shopping

Exhausted

I'm so tired. This morning I had to eat a big meal, or I felt that I would be unable to work. Hopefully all of that will be gone by tomorrow morning. 

Numbers

CW: 175.0

Breakfast: Ham and turkey sandwich (200 cal.)
Lunch: Salad (30 cal.)
Dinner: 0
Liquid: 50
Total: 280 calories
...binge: Nachos (200 cal.) and peanut M&Ms (250 cal.)
Grand total: 730 calories. I hate myself.

Activity: Worked six hours

Love and Marriage

Sometimes I wish I had never gotten married. He's the fucking reason I got so FAT again. And he's the only obstacle on my path to recovery. That's right, I'm recovering from a horrible disease known as FAT. Shouldn't my lover be more like... supportive?

But he's not. He's not supportive of anything I want to accomplish. I say that I want to lose weight? Guess who's there trying to shove pizza and popcorn down my throat. I say that I want to be a writer, and that having my own office space would help? Guess who's two inches away from being completely up my ass every time I'm on the computer.

Maybe it's just hard for such a good man to respect such a FAT woman.


Numbers

CW: 176.2 pounds

Breakfast: One slice of toast (100 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Salad w/ chicken (100 cal.)
Liquid: 100 cal.
Total: 300 calories

Activity: Worked six hours

July 24, 2010

 Numbers

CW: 177.6 pounds

Breakfast: 0
Lunch: Mandarin oranges (70 cal.)
Dinner: 0
Liquid: 50
Total: 130 calories

Activity: Worked a split shift, 11-4 and 6-12pm.

Eat Less, Move More

I think my metabolism is dropping faster than my weight. If I want to lose more than half a pound a day, I need to exercise more. In other news, I just won a fancy new pedometer and measuring tape off eBay. Yay. :)

Numbers

CW: 179.2 pounds

Breakfast: Egg and potato taco (250 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Half a ham and cheese sandwich on wheat (130 cal.)
Liquid: 60
Total: 440 calories

Activity: Worked a couple hours and slept

Notes: I know I should be actually working out more often. Maybe if I was somewhat closer to my ultimate goal I could slack off a little... but no. I have too much ground to cover. Sitting around on my ass is not going to get me anywhere. On the bright side: My weight is steadily decreasing. Slowly, but surely.

In a Daze

No improvement since yesterday. I am disgusting. I've only been awake four hours, and I've already eaten for the sake of my husband. No work today, so I need to be productive and accomplish things. While I'm alone I'm going to burn off breakfast, and after he comes home I'll focus on cleaning the house and creating the illusion of food consumption.


Numbers

CW: 180.4
Breakfast: Shredded Mini Wheats (150 cal.)
Lunch: 0
Dinner: Cheese and crackers (250 cal.)
Liquid: 100 cal.
Total: 500 calories

Activity: Walked 30 minutes (-200 cal.)

Notes: I slept a lot today, and wasn't as productive as I had planned to be. However, a net intake of three hundred calories is something I can be happy with. :)

Fat-spiration.

I see a lot of "thinspo" pictures with fat girls sucking it in. Like, seriously? A year ago, I could Google thinspo and see nothing but bones.

Is the world getting fatter? Perhaps, but I'm not one of them. :)


Numbers

CW: 180.2 pounds

Breakfast: 0
Lunch: Salad w/ turkey (100 cal.)
Dinner: Applesauce (60 cal.)
Liquid: 250
Total: 410 calories

Activity: Worked four hours, slept twelve hours

1, 2, 3... GO

I'm really surprised that my weight went down at all, but yay. A whole freaking .6 pounds of progress. Maybe today I can avoid being such a fatass. Remember Jaz, calories eaten in private are wasted. Somehow my head got the crazy notion that it's ok to eat fat foods as long as nobody sees me... how stupid. Anyway, I'm going to drink lots of green tea (with acai!) today, and try to keep up off my ass.

My goals seem so far away. Once I break into 170 again I'll still feel fat. And at 160 - that will be good progress, but I'm still fat. 150 = still fat, and so on/so forth. I wish I never would have let myself get this way. What kind of person consumes and consumes, like some kind of greedy gluttony worm? What kind of person hides under disgusting layers of fat? I would rather be bones - the kind that you just have to look twice, to make sure there's actually a person standing there.


Numbers

CW: 181.8

Breakfast: 1 slice toast (90 cal.)
Lunch: Mandarin oranges (70 cal.)
Dinner: Chicken Alfredo w/ crackers (150 cal.)
Snack: 1 slice pizza (200 cal.
Liquid: 100 cal.
Total: 610 calories

Activity: Walked 30 min. @ 4mph (-200 cal.), worked four and a half hours

Notes: I started out okay, with a wimpy walk before breakfast. Ate the oranges at work, pasta at home, then I took a nap. When I woke up my husband was insistent that I eat pizza with him, and I caved. Tomorrow I'll do better.

Failed expectations

I finally bought a new scale, and the results were devastating. Be sure that I am cringing when I type this: 182.4 pounds. That's roughly fifty pounds below my highest weight, yet twenty pounds above my lowest weight. I hate myself for this. I've been away from the scale for so long and became lazy. Goal: twenty pounds in two weeks. Can I do it? Sure, it's only a pound and a half per day. I can do this.

Anyway, I'm beginning to rethink the title of my blog. All I'll probably write about is what I've eaten, how much I've exercised, and the obstacles I encounter along the way. Food consumed, food burned, food stressed. Food, food, food. How naive was I to ever think I could be fortunate enough to enjoy a free life.

Daily Numbers

CW: 182.4

Breakfast: Rice cakes (115 cal.)
Lunch: Tuna on club crackers (200 cal.)
Dinner: Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal w/ 1% milk (200 cal.)
Liquids: 300~
Total: 815 calories

Activity: Worked four hours, laid around the house like a lazy slob

Notes: Eugh. Starbucks frappuchinos are sooo good, yet so very bad. The cereal was definitely a bad choice. Also, I was drinking non-diet Dr. Pepper at work. I am dreading the scale tomorrow.

First Entries Are So Awkward

Hello, world. I am a twenty-one year-old girl that has broken up with a lifelong companion: food. During a traumatic childhood, eating became my only stability, and I grew to an enormous two hundred and thirty pounds. Four years ago I found the motivation to lose weight, but was unable to maintain a "healthy" diet. Starving or binging are the only two options left for me, and I'd rather die before eating myself into a coma again.

So, I am separating myself from the substance of food. This is difficult because I am constantly under watch by my husband and my co-workers. They think I'm on a diet. Another sixty-ish pounds to go before they discover the truth.

My current weight is somewhere between one hundred and sixty to one-seventy, I think. Soon I'll be buying a new digital scale (excitement!). My old one was horribly inaccurate and I've been saving for a replacement. My goals are set at increments of ten. For example, one-forty, one-thirty, etc. I have no idea what my long-term goal is. I guess I'll decide when I get closer.