and then there were eight.

Gruesome post ahead. Hold on to your lunch, ladies.

See, the husband was in the kitchen last night... and our kittens like to scamper in between moving feet. One didn't scamper fast enough. His poor little head was crushed beneath my poor husband's boot. And if that wasn't bad enough, death came slowly - the cat was writhing on the floor for about 30 seconds, blood spurting everywhere.

Initially, I panicked and ran from the room, but after I realized my husband was still standing there, I took on my "strong survivor" role and went to fix things. I shielded his eyes and forced him to go into the bedroom. I picked up the dead cat and wrapped him in a towel, then spent 15 minutes scrubbing blood from the carpets. What a fucking horror show.

Over the course of my life I've buried many animals. I've scooped many corpses from the middle of the road. I've tended to fatal injuries. I've had to play doctor/mortician so many times.... so last night, I didn't cry. Not one single tear. And I feel so numb. I can't even begin to imagine how my husband feels.

On a different note: thanks for all the kind words on my last post. It's not so much that I can't write about what I want, it's just that I feel it would be bad for my credibility (as a writer) if I put random shit on here. It's like saying you'll write a book about oak trees, signing something with a publisher, and then producing a novel about rose bushes. It's just not logical.

I'm tired of this blog anyway, of obsessing over numbers. I have lost a total 35 pounds (16 kg) since starting this blog in July. However, my muscle mass has diminished to the point where I struggle with opening heavy doors. My mind isn't as sharp as it could be, and I don't want to see my husband worry about me anymore (even though he pretends that he doesn't). I still want to be thin more than anything. Now that I'm so close, maybe I can lay off the intensity a teeny bit... focus on living a healthier lifestyle. More food, more exercise. Less fat. Less hate. Somewhere in between.

I need to write. One day, it's all I want to do. So if you enjoy reading my words for some reason, have no fear! I shall write again. In a new blog, possibly under my real name and face. A blog better suited to accommodate all kinds of ideas. A blog that doesn't disappoint you after reading the first three entries. Well... who am I kidding? You'd probably still be disappointed... but at least I didn't mislead you. ;)

Okay, that's it for now. I'll have my new blog up soon, and this one will be going bye-bye. A huge thank you going out to all the people who stuck around thus far, and wet slobbery kisses for all my commenters. <3

147

Somebody actually called me "skinny" at work the other day, lololol. I am envious. Remember the days of blissful ignorance? When fat and thin people all blended together and none of it really made a difference? If I am a skinny, Miss Lady, then you are a hippo. A large, bloated, pregnant hippopotamus. Please don't get my hopes up like that again.

I haven't updated much because honestly, I feel that this blog is censoring me. It seems like I technically shouldn't write about anything other than food-related stuff... but really, I have so many ideas going 'round in my head, and many of them have nothing to do with this. Maybe I need a fresh start - a blog that I could incorporate all facets of my life into. I'll be thinking about it.

This might seem weird, but I hope my butt is as big as hers when I reach my GW. I don't want the body of a child; I want to be fucking hot.

w00t!

My third goal of 150 pounds is now neatly crossed off the list. I was so excited this morning, I must have weighed myself like 6 or 7 times just to see the same number again and again: 150.8. I'm not there yet, but I'm much closer than I was... :D

I've drank sooo much orange juice in the last 2 days. My period came, plus I've been feeling a little sick, so I'm trying to look after myself the best that I can. Intake's been hovering between 200 and 400 calories.

I really don't know what to write about. Sorry, guess I'm still in shock.


How are you?

Progress Makes Me Happy

So, I cheated and weighed myself - the curiosity was torture. 154.0. After the way I've been eating, I thought that number would have been at least two pounds higher. During the day it even went down to 153.2, my all time lowest weight. I really can't hold it to be true until I see it first thing in the morning... but still, it brightened my day a bit.

I also found some old blue jeans... size 12, which were the smallest I could ever fit into during high school. They were baggy when I tried them on. Very baggy indeed, so I'm probably a size 10 now. A new record.

Yay. :)

Detoxify

I've done horribly with my rules so far. Apparently I'm not in the right frame of mind right now for rigid structure... so I'm gonna go for a more abstract approach: "listening" to my body. It's hurting right now, and I need to feel better so I can get my ass back on track.

What my body's saying to me:

• Drink more water and juice
• Cleanse toxins from junk food
• Exercise more and tone flab
• Stop sleeping all day
• My period's coming soon

I'm going to stop weighing myself for a while, maybe until my period comes and goes. It's just so depressing to see that number only go up, and up, and up... but I know I can do this. I'll give my body everything it asks for, and when it needs food I'll give it either whole grains or fresh fruit/veggies. I'm going to drink epic amounts of water, and drink senna tea every night (regardless of my intake).

Last night I binged until my stomach was in agony. Somehow I felt that if I made myself sick enough, I would never want to eat again. It's almost as if I was punishing myself for having an appetite. I didn't really want any of that food. And I didn't throw any of it up. Yeah... now you see why I'm avoiding the scale.

Normally my mind would be in turmoil right now, considering how much I weigh, how long I've been at this weight, and how much I ate last night. I would probably hate myself so much right now. I guess I'm just saving my energy for productive efforts, which is good. I like being an optimist - it yields more results.

The other day, I donated my snack money ($5) to the charity we've been promoting at work. It felt so good to know I had just given 20 kids a meal instead of buying some fatty chips or something. Oh, and for those um "monetarily challenged" of you... http://freerice.com is a great way to feed those starving kiddos at no cost to you, and it's an amazing time-killer.

Stay beautiful, ladies.. xox

Oh No - Plateau!

Okay, so I'm at the same weight I was 12 days ago. I haven't decided if this is a real plateau, or if I'm just backed up from all the crappy food. I had 2 binge days (approx. 1000 cal.) and the other days were between 200-700 cals. Thankfully the bingey urges are long gone and I can focus on what's really going on with my body. I hope I can still reach 145 by Halloween.

Rules for Fatty:

1. Absolutely NO eating for 3 hours before bed. I know this should be a longer amount of time, but I work late at night and sometimes I need my energy for bedroom activities. ;)
2. Drink more water! Includes green tea and sugar-free flavorings. Limit diet soda to 16oz. per day, maximum.
3. Total calories for one meal not to exceed 200 cal, 600 for one whole day.  (200 extra cal. allowance given if more than 600 cals burned in workout)
4. Exercise everyday: either 200 crunches and 30 lunges, or a 2 mile walk/jog. Both of these activities if I don't have to work that day.
5. If intake is more than 300 cals, drink a strong glass of senna tea before bed.
6. Eat healthy. I don't want to impose too many rules here, because that's a short road to a quick binge for me. I'll eat what I want, but as health-consciously as possible and always within my cal limits.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much. I am reading though, and one day I'll think of something useful to say

Greed and Gluttony [reverse thinspo post]

I'm a nice person. I really am.

But I find this revolting:

I would break every mirror in my house if I were that big.

Say "Cheese!"

Need a bigger fork, sweetheart?

I don't have a grudge against fatties. I know lots of

obese people that have really good hearts.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

I just don't understand why people allow this to happen.

You have all the power you need to look good in those shorts.

Just stop eating.

Your weight doesn't have to hold you back in life.

It's all about control.

It's about identifying what you need for survival

and training your body to adjust.

There's more to life than your BMI and body fat percentage;

however, why be unhappy over something YOU can change?

Not only will people look at you with respect

 - you will respect yourself.

There's so much bad and ugly shit in the world...

let's subtract from that, shall we?

No more greed. No more gluttony.

Take the money you don't spend on binge food

and donate it to starving African children.

They need it more than you do, fatty.

Hidden Away

I don't know what's going on with me right now. The husband and I have made our peace, and are trying to quietly go on about our lives. Who knows how long this will last, but I really do love him... so I'm just going to focus on that for now. Maybe everything else will magically work itself out.

Sometimes I worry about brain damage. I hit my head so hard the other day, there's a huge hole in the wall... it looks like an elephant tried to jump through. There are multiple cracks from the actual impact of my head, and then there are big sections that are about to fall away from the final blow of my entire whale body slamming against it. I should have just gone running.

How many days until I can think clearly again? Until the words stop swimming around on the page?

I haven't updated my food diary in three days. I've been eating 1000 calories everyday. No exercise (except work), no laxatives... I'm quite literally terrified of the scale right now. I know I've gained weight because I feel it hanging from my body... slowing me down, making me jiggle. Oh God, I really do hate myself like this. But it's all my fault. Nobody made me eat.

Maybe I just needed a good-ole-fashioned binge to remind me where I have been and where I am going. I'm still around my lowest weight. My ribs are still peeking through every now and then. My mind is hinting that I should stop doing this to myself.... but it's too late to stop now. I'm halfway there.

This is the weight I "recovered" at last time. Some stupid little part of my brain is saying "stop, you're good enough" but I just don't believe it. My stomach should not protrude. It should not jiggle. My thighs should not touch EVER. My arms are so disgusting - like giant turkey legs attached to a cow's body. That little bit of fat is still hanging under my jaw, threatening to become a chin all its own. My fingers are still round and plump like fucking sausages.

Last night, while the husband was humping me... all I could think was OINK OINK OINK. Is this how you pork a fat woman? Thrust with all your might, hoping that your dick might survive the crushing jelly rolls and find some pussy? When he picked my leg up over his shoulder, all I could feel is the impact it had on my stomach. I felt sick when his hand brushed over my giant belly. He grabbed my ass and it felt like he was checking a prized pig before the county fair. I am so disgusting and I do not want to hate myself for being gluttonous anymore.

Renewed motivation. I never really forget my goals, I just become distracted with all the other shit in my head. I need to hate myself so I stay on track. I don't need encouragement, I need someone to tell me I'm not good enough... that I'll be there one day. Because right now I am such a fucking failure at being attractive. Worthwhile. Productive. Loveable. I need to be better for myself before anyone else can really appreciate me.

When I woke up this morning I was so disoriented. Get up, go to the bathroom... don't get on the scale. Brush my hair, wash my face... wait, what's this feeling? What's this fucking feeling in my gut?! Oh yeah, I'm still full from last night. That explains the loose skin looking a bit tighter now. And the pants not falling off my hips so quickly.

I miss the feeling of success and empowerment: getting out of bed and feeling dizzy. Walking around the house and literally feeling the fat dissolve from my body.

I need this.