Homecoming

I cannot change the thoughts within my head. What am I doing back here? I don't know. I've just spent an hour trying to compose a positive post over on my new blog, and failed. Normal words escape me.

Farewell...?

Take care of yourselves. You are lovely. You are beautiful. You are unique.

You have the right to be whomever you want to be, to be happy.

Thank you so much for following me this far. If we now must part, then take care and have a nice life. :)

If you're interested in reading of my further exploits, my new blog is at http://cuhrayzeeone.blogspot.com/. I'm writing under my real name, about all sorts of things. I am going to try really hard to keep it real and uncensored.

I guess this is it for me?

Not the end of "ana", but definitely the end of an era.

No more self hatred. <3

and then there were eight.

Gruesome post ahead. Hold on to your lunch, ladies.

See, the husband was in the kitchen last night... and our kittens like to scamper in between moving feet. One didn't scamper fast enough. His poor little head was crushed beneath my poor husband's boot. And if that wasn't bad enough, death came slowly - the cat was writhing on the floor for about 30 seconds, blood spurting everywhere.

Initially, I panicked and ran from the room, but after I realized my husband was still standing there, I took on my "strong survivor" role and went to fix things. I shielded his eyes and forced him to go into the bedroom. I picked up the dead cat and wrapped him in a towel, then spent 15 minutes scrubbing blood from the carpets. What a fucking horror show.

Over the course of my life I've buried many animals. I've scooped many corpses from the middle of the road. I've tended to fatal injuries. I've had to play doctor/mortician so many times.... so last night, I didn't cry. Not one single tear. And I feel so numb. I can't even begin to imagine how my husband feels.

On a different note: thanks for all the kind words on my last post. It's not so much that I can't write about what I want, it's just that I feel it would be bad for my credibility (as a writer) if I put random shit on here. It's like saying you'll write a book about oak trees, signing something with a publisher, and then producing a novel about rose bushes. It's just not logical.

I'm tired of this blog anyway, of obsessing over numbers. I have lost a total 35 pounds (16 kg) since starting this blog in July. However, my muscle mass has diminished to the point where I struggle with opening heavy doors. My mind isn't as sharp as it could be, and I don't want to see my husband worry about me anymore (even though he pretends that he doesn't). I still want to be thin more than anything. Now that I'm so close, maybe I can lay off the intensity a teeny bit... focus on living a healthier lifestyle. More food, more exercise. Less fat. Less hate. Somewhere in between.

I need to write. One day, it's all I want to do. So if you enjoy reading my words for some reason, have no fear! I shall write again. In a new blog, possibly under my real name and face. A blog better suited to accommodate all kinds of ideas. A blog that doesn't disappoint you after reading the first three entries. Well... who am I kidding? You'd probably still be disappointed... but at least I didn't mislead you. ;)

Okay, that's it for now. I'll have my new blog up soon, and this one will be going bye-bye. A huge thank you going out to all the people who stuck around thus far, and wet slobbery kisses for all my commenters. <3

147

Somebody actually called me "skinny" at work the other day, lololol. I am envious. Remember the days of blissful ignorance? When fat and thin people all blended together and none of it really made a difference? If I am a skinny, Miss Lady, then you are a hippo. A large, bloated, pregnant hippopotamus. Please don't get my hopes up like that again.

I haven't updated much because honestly, I feel that this blog is censoring me. It seems like I technically shouldn't write about anything other than food-related stuff... but really, I have so many ideas going 'round in my head, and many of them have nothing to do with this. Maybe I need a fresh start - a blog that I could incorporate all facets of my life into. I'll be thinking about it.

This might seem weird, but I hope my butt is as big as hers when I reach my GW. I don't want the body of a child; I want to be fucking hot.

w00t!

My third goal of 150 pounds is now neatly crossed off the list. I was so excited this morning, I must have weighed myself like 6 or 7 times just to see the same number again and again: 150.8. I'm not there yet, but I'm much closer than I was... :D

I've drank sooo much orange juice in the last 2 days. My period came, plus I've been feeling a little sick, so I'm trying to look after myself the best that I can. Intake's been hovering between 200 and 400 calories.

I really don't know what to write about. Sorry, guess I'm still in shock.


How are you?

Progress Makes Me Happy

So, I cheated and weighed myself - the curiosity was torture. 154.0. After the way I've been eating, I thought that number would have been at least two pounds higher. During the day it even went down to 153.2, my all time lowest weight. I really can't hold it to be true until I see it first thing in the morning... but still, it brightened my day a bit.

I also found some old blue jeans... size 12, which were the smallest I could ever fit into during high school. They were baggy when I tried them on. Very baggy indeed, so I'm probably a size 10 now. A new record.

Yay. :)

Detoxify

I've done horribly with my rules so far. Apparently I'm not in the right frame of mind right now for rigid structure... so I'm gonna go for a more abstract approach: "listening" to my body. It's hurting right now, and I need to feel better so I can get my ass back on track.

What my body's saying to me:

• Drink more water and juice
• Cleanse toxins from junk food
• Exercise more and tone flab
• Stop sleeping all day
• My period's coming soon

I'm going to stop weighing myself for a while, maybe until my period comes and goes. It's just so depressing to see that number only go up, and up, and up... but I know I can do this. I'll give my body everything it asks for, and when it needs food I'll give it either whole grains or fresh fruit/veggies. I'm going to drink epic amounts of water, and drink senna tea every night (regardless of my intake).

Last night I binged until my stomach was in agony. Somehow I felt that if I made myself sick enough, I would never want to eat again. It's almost as if I was punishing myself for having an appetite. I didn't really want any of that food. And I didn't throw any of it up. Yeah... now you see why I'm avoiding the scale.

Normally my mind would be in turmoil right now, considering how much I weigh, how long I've been at this weight, and how much I ate last night. I would probably hate myself so much right now. I guess I'm just saving my energy for productive efforts, which is good. I like being an optimist - it yields more results.

The other day, I donated my snack money ($5) to the charity we've been promoting at work. It felt so good to know I had just given 20 kids a meal instead of buying some fatty chips or something. Oh, and for those um "monetarily challenged" of you... http://freerice.com is a great way to feed those starving kiddos at no cost to you, and it's an amazing time-killer.

Stay beautiful, ladies.. xox